Playing Barbies with my Daughter, Otherwise Known as How to Die a Painful Death

I never played with Barbies as a child. In fact, I got one for Christmas one year from a relative when I was eight or nine and I thought, WTF? Not really. I thought, what am I supposed to do with this? I don't think I even took it out of the box. I liked baby dolls and stuffed animals. I liked playing soccer and climbing trees. Barbies? No idea what those were for.

Fiona, on the other hand, loves the world of Barbie. She has the Barbie house (mansion) and Barbie car and a horse. Last night she asked me to play with her and I relented, sacrificing my hopes and dreams and ideals, and I played with the damn Barbies. It was torture for me.

Here's a re-cap of the "fun" we had:

Fiona: Pretend my girl is going up the stairs.
Me: OK.
Fiona: Pretend this is her bed and she wants to go to sleep.
Me: (Thinking: Why does she start every sentence in this game with "pretend". Pretending is assumed. WE ARE PLAYING PRETEND.)
Me: Hello? (I'm knocking on the invisible door of the Barbie house). Can I come in?
Fiona: (Whispering, so the Barbies don't hear) Mommy, your Barbie lives here. She doesn't have to knock.
Me: (So I walk my Barbie into the house with no front door).
Fiona: (Horrified) Mommy!! You just walked through the WALL! (She walks my Barbie, whose name is Cassandra, to an invisible door and lets her in the correct way. Whatever.)
Me: I'm tired. I think I'll take a nap. (I lay my Barbie on the pink bed.)
Fiona: No, Mommy! It's time for the party! So, pretend like this is the party room.
Me: OK.
Fiona: And pretend that we're twins and we're going to the party together. And we have to change into other clothes.
Me: (This is so freaking boring.) OK, I really like this lovely white and silver ball gown.
Fiona: Well, we're twins, so you have to wear this dress. Same as mine.
Me: OK (dressing Cassandra in a horrendous fuchsia dress). Hold on a second while I grab a glass of wine. (This is me talking. Not Cassandra. Though I'm sure Cassandra could use a glass of wine herself. But hers would be a pretend glass of wine. Obviously.)